I find that often times, I have emotions bottled up inside of myself that I refuse to face and feel. But then a certain song comes along, and I am overwhelmed by the emotions I tried so hard to ignore... For some reason, THIS song did it for me. Even now, as I listen to it, my eyes fill with tears. Music has the ability to touch the deepest parts of the soul; parts that sometimes I never even knew existed. Life would be so incomplete without music.
Blogging is like taking a bath: you think about it, and in concept, it seems like a wonderful idea. However, the moment you turn on the water (or pull up the page, in the case of blogging), you realize that maybe it isn't as wonderful as you imagined it would be. I hate to be Negative Nancy, but disappointment seems to be overwhelming my days as of late. Even now, I am being followed by a dark cloud that teases me with the idea of dumping the most horrible storm on me. It is all I can do to keep this cloud at bay. The worst part is that I can not get it to go away. I know exactly what I need to do to rid my life of this "cloud", but every time I try, I fail, and slide back into its path.
I read an article today called "The Other 'F' Word". It talked all about failure and how we can protect our kids from the devastating effects of feeling like they had failed at something. Can we ever really be protected from failure though?? I made a comment to someone the other day that, "If I really want something, I know how to get it." False. Maybe I say that because I want the security of thinking I can get anything I want. Maybe it is because lately, I have gotten everything that I have wanted. Maybe that is why Heavenly Father is allowing me to experience a situation in which, no matter what I seem to do, I in fact cannot get what I want. Being humbled is a wonderful and crushing experience.
I really haven't been myself lately. As I thought about the past few weeks today, I was able to pinpoint WAY too many situations in which I was being someone else. I like to imagine that I am really comfortable being who I am, but obviously, I am not. When someone comes into your life and you feel like you have to change to please them, something is wrong. So, my goal from here on out is to REALLY be myself, no matter what. I love who I am and how I got here, and I am proud of myself for completing the part of my journey that I have. So, Alicia, you are going to be yourself, NO MATTER WHAT, because I don't like the person you have been lately.
I find that my times of deepest reflection come when I am cleaning. The solace that I find in making something clean is incredible. It is like as I clean the house, I am also cleaning out my brain. Just me, my thoughts, and some elbow grease. I spent a handful of hours cleaning yesterday, and by the time I was done, I was exhausted. Not because I was physically tired, but because my brain was in overdrive. I have a lot of really serious decisions weighing on my brain, and after trying to sort them all out, it was as if my mind threw its hands in the air and said, "Alright, I am sooo done for the day." The same thing happens with a good cry, which I feel will be happening for me in the very near future...
Maybe it is the rain clouds that are bringing me down. Or the fact that the majority of the music I have been listening to lately has done nothing but remind me of how lonely I feel. "Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements? Even if it leads nowhere." Unfulfilled expectations. I know exactly what I want, but I have NO IDEA how to obtain that.
Well, I think I have whined enough for one day... But it always feels better to get things off of your chest. Even if no one reads this or cares one iota about it, I feel better because of it.
Toodles.
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